To Heck with the Dress.

I'm in a bit of a conundrum. Is that how you even spell conundrum? I have a wedding to go to this summer and I need a dress. I was thinking a sundress. I was thinking that I would walk into the mall and purchase a sundress. I was wrong.

I have been kinda looking for this dress a couple of times now. I've been to two or three shops, good ones, that actually sell dresses but I'm struggling.

Now, I'm not an old lady. But I'm not super trendy. I am the jeans and t-shirt mom. They're nice jeans and a clean t-shirt (most days) but I don't wear super-trendy stuff. So buying a dress is a problem.
.

Dilemma #1:
I saw a cute dress today in the window of a shop at the mall. The mannequin was wearing it. She lookrd nice, despite her lack of a head. I stood there and stared....

What kind of a bra do you wear with that? Do you wear one at all? This is a problem. Now the dress I saw was not the dresses pictured below exactly, but the neck line was the same. Please, I'm begging you, educate me on what sort of undergarment goes with this??

Can anyone help me here?

Then I see these in the store and I think I actually shuddered:

Oh heavens.

Yes, these are acid-washed leggings. I am afraid of these. Can you imagine trying these on, let alone purchasing them?

Dilemma #2:
This is about boobs. I don't want to show my boobs. And frankly, I'm tired of seeing other women's boobs.
And I don't want to wear a strapless dress. But there are very few dresses out there that are not strapless. In my opinion, there are only two options when wearing a strapless dress:
a. you end up hiking up the front of your dress all day

or

b. the dress is so tight it stays up, however, it's so tight, you get back-fat bunching up above the top of the dress. Believe me, I've seen it. It's not the look I'm after.

Dilemma #3:
Dresses that are so short they are actually shirts. I'm seeing this everywhere I go. Do women not have to bend over anymore? How on earth would I pick up my one year old son wearing a dress like that? Are you supposed to wear little leggings underneath it?

Are their classes on this stuff I can sign up for?

Dilemma #4:
I bought a dress last week. At the grocery store. I know, I know, I can do better. But it was one of those cute t-shirt style dresses and I liked it...and it was like $14, so I threw it in with the bananas and the diapers.
I get home. I put on the dress. I go outside and catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection off our black truck. I am in need of a slip.
Do girls these days even know about slips? Is this like, so out of date it's like mentioning a corset? Oh wait, corsets are back....we just call them Spanx now.

So I went in the house and put on a slip. I had to do some serious digging to find it.

I'm not trying to rant or rave or be silly here, my dear reader. I'm honestly wondering what to do. Is there some way of getting an education on these issues before going out into public and making a complete fool of myself?

Or should I just go to the wedding in some nice linen pants and a cute top?

I'm counting on you to comment here. I'm begging, pleading, typing on my knees right now...

Help wanted. Help NEEDED!